Last week, we talked about the Volatile couple who ride an emotional roller coaster. Two weeks ago, we introduced you to the avoiding couple. They are the couple who works hard to bury anything negative in the relationship. They don’t talk about it because they don’t want any conflict, just a blissful coexistence.
Well, this week we’re going to talk about the hostile couple, and they’re comprised of one spouse, an avoider, while the other is a confronter. One doesn’t want to address or express anything negative and the other wants to deal with problems on the spot. But as we all know, it takes two to tango and to solve a problem.
So here’s how this scenario plays out… A conflict surfaces. The avoider is afraid to talk about it. The confronter wants to tackle it now, but the avoider refuses to engage, believing that this conflict is going to lead their marriage to a bad place. Theconfronter gets frustrated, but he doesn’t want to crush his spouse and he finally concedes and drops the subject.
The Cold War has begun and begins to escalate. The avoider refuses to talk about how she really feels, and the confronter just sees more and more unresolved conflicts piling up, forming a wall of bitterness. The avoider senses the confronter’s bitterness, but she’s afraid to address it. The confronter shuts down even more, resenting the fact that his spouse doesn’t care enough to deal with the problem.
Hey, they might not have loud and angry arguments, but they cultivate something even far more devastating. A cold indifference. They’ve grown hostile because they can’t resolve the deep issues of their hearts, so they simply avoid each other, living very quiet, closed off and distant lives.
Hostile couples need to understand that there is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out of fear, I John 4:18. The avoider needs to realize that dealing with conflict will force her to share her heart’s feelings with her spouse. She may be afraid to reveal her true feelings because she doesn’t trust his love for her. The confronter wants to make sure that all of his words, actions and attitudes demonstrate his love for his spouse. Avoiders often hear intensity as anger and disapproval. Once these couples believe that their love for each other will overcome all of their fears, they can begin to experience the type of marriage that God has intended for them to enjoy.
