Mark and Debbie Laaser, Christian therapists and authors of Seven Desires … state that all of us have seven deep yearnings … to be heard and understood, to be affirmed, to be blessed , to be safe, to be touched, to be chosen and to be included. They argue that we won’t experience the marriages we are hoping for if we are not having these core desires met …
Since we all have these longings … let’s take some time to examine them one at a time … the first one is to be heard and understood … you might say we all want to have our hearts listened to.
Very few things are as frustrating as not being heard or understood … that frustration usually turns into arguments and it doesn’t take long until anger erupts … especially when it is our spouse who isn’t making the effort to connect.
When we don’t feel we’re being listened to what do we do? We talk louder … if that doesn’t work we add some drama … crying … slamming … pounding … pouting … screaming … all in a desperate attempt to be heard and understood!
So how do we have this deep desire met in our lives? We learn how to be become better listeners ourselves … yes the biblical truth of doing unto others as we want to have things done to us … comes into play. If you want to be heard by your spouse … you need to listen to your mate!
At our intensives, we teach couples a skill called reflective listening. We need to hear both the fact and the feeling found in every message communicated to us. So, we ask couples to sit face to face so they can listen with their eyes, ears, hearts and brains. Because more often than not the real message is communicated in the tone of voice and body language. When you learn how to hear the heart of your spouse … you will begin to experience an intimacy that you have never experienced before.