The Destructive Power of Favoritism
Scripture Focus
“The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” — Genesis 25:27–28
Opening Vignette
It started innocently enough.
David and Lisa had two children who could hardly have been more different.
Their son, Ryan, loved sports. So did David. They spent Saturdays watching football, attending games, fishing, and working together in the garage.
Their daughter, Megan, was quieter. She loved music, books, and long conversations. Lisa understood her naturally. They could sit at the kitchen table talking for hours.
There was nothing wrong with those connections.
The problem was what gradually developed around them.
When Ryan disagreed with Lisa, he went to Dad.
When Megan became frustrated with David, she went to Mom.
Soon the family had developed predictable alliances.
David defended Ryan.
Lisa defended Megan.
During one particularly difficult family argument, Lisa finally said, “You always take his side.”
David immediately responded, “And you always take hers.”
The room became quiet.
They both realized something had happened without either of them intentionally choosing it.
They were no longer simply a husband and wife raising two children.
They had become two teams living under one roof.
- Dad and son.
- Mom and daughter.
And somewhere along the way, their children had begun occupying places in their loyalties that were weakening the marriage itself.
Marriage Reality
Parents naturally connect differently with different children. One child may share your personality. Another may share your interests. One may be easy to understand. Another may require more patience.
That’s normal.
Favoritism begins when natural connection turns into preferential loyalty … and favoritism can quietly reshape the emotional structure of a family.
Instead of:
Mom + Dad leading the family together,
it becomes:
Mom + one child against Dad + another child.
Family therapists sometimes describe this kind of dynamic as triangulation … when tension between two people draws a third person into the relationship.
But the Bible showed us the danger thousands of years before psychology gave it a name. We see it clearly in the family of Isaac and Rebekah.
What This Kind of Love Really Is
Genesis tells us that Jacob and Esau were very different men.
- Esau became a hunter and a man of the outdoors.
- Jacob preferred life around the tents.
Then Scripture gives us a remarkably revealing sentence:
“Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.”
Notice the division.
Isaac + Esau.
Rebekah + Jacob.
The text even tells us something about Isaac’s attraction to Esau: he enjoyed the wild game Esau brought home. It seems that Isaac connected more naturally with this rugged, outdoors-oriented son.
Scripture does not give the same explanation for Rebekah’s attachment to Jacob, although earlier God had told her that the older would serve the younger.
Whatever their reasons, a dangerous pattern emerged.
The parents’ different relationships with their sons became competing loyalties.
And those loyalties would eventually help tear the family apart.
By Genesis 27, Isaac secretly prepares to bless Esau.
Rebekah overhears the conversation.
Rather than talking with her husband, she recruits Jacob into a plan to deceive him.
Jacob deceives his father.
Esau becomes furious.
Jacob flees.
Rebekah loses the daily presence of the son she favored.
The fracture we see exploding in Genesis 27 had already begun quietly in Genesis 25.
That is an important marriage lesson.
Major family divisions often begin as small misplaced loyalties.
Your Children Need Your Marriage to Be Strong
Children need loving relationships with their parents.
- They need attention.
- They need affection.
- They need encouragement.
- They need individual time.
But children should never become emotional substitutes for a spouse.
A mother should not make a son her primary confidant because her husband doesn’t understand her.
A father should not consistently side with a daughter because “she gets me better than her mother does.”
Children should not be recruited to validate one parent’s complaints about the other.
And they should never feel responsible for protecting one parent from the other.
When that happens, children are placed in a role God never intended them to carry.
The healthiest gift parents can give their children is not making them the center of the marriage.
It is allowing them to grow up inside the security of a strong marriage.
What Love Is Not
Protecting marital unity does not mean parents must always agree. You will sometimes see a situation differently.
Nor does it mean you must parent every child identically. Different children have different needs.
But love refuses to turn those differences into alliances.
It does not say to a child:
- “Your mother just doesn’t understand.”
- “You know how your father is.”
- “At least somebody around here agrees with me.”
Those sentences may feel harmless, but they invite the child into a conflict that belongs between husband and wife.
Love protects children from carrying adult marital tension.
And love protects the marriage from allowing children … even deeply loved children … to become competitors for the loyalty of husband and wife.
A Better Way Forward
Take an honest look at your family.
Are there predictable teams?
When conflict occurs, does everyone already know who will side with whom?
Does one child regularly come to you because they know you will override your spouse?
Do you discuss frustrations about your spouse with one of your children?
If you recognize something uncomfortable, don’t become defensive.
Change the pattern.
Talk privately with your spouse.
Listen to each other’s concerns.
Agree that disagreements about parenting will be handled between the two of you rather than through the children.
And when a child attempts to recruit you against your spouse, resist the invitation.
You might simply say: “Your mom and I will talk about that together.”
Or:
“Your dad and I may see this differently, but we’re going to work it out together.”
Those simple statements communicate something powerful:
Mom and Dad are on the same team.
Your children need to know you love them deeply.
But they also need to know that your marriage has a covenant loyalty that they are not expected to replace.
Isaac and Rebekah show us what can happen when those loyalties become confused.
What began as favoritism eventually became deception, anger, separation, and heartbreak.
Don’t wait until the fracture becomes obvious. Protect the unity of your marriage while the cracks are still small.
Prayer
Father, thank You for the children and family relationships You have entrusted to us. Give us wisdom to love each child deeply without allowing favoritism to divide our home. Forgive us for the times we have created alliances, taken sides, or allowed our children to become involved in conflicts that belong between us as husband and wife. Help us protect our marriage covenant and present a united, loving foundation for our family. Give us wisdom when we disagree, humility when we are wrong, and courage to resolve our differences directly with each other. May our children always know they are deeply loved without ever feeling that they must choose between us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Growing Together
Reflect: Looking at our family honestly, are there natural alliances that have developed between one parent and one child? Have those relationships ever weakened our unity as husband and wife?
Talk Together: Are there times when either of us feels the other consistently sides with a child instead of first talking privately with each other? What could we do differently?
Live It: Identify one parenting issue where you have not been completely united. Set aside time to discuss it privately—without the children present. Listen to each other, agree on how you will handle it, and then communicate your decision together.
Take It with You
Children should never become competitors for the loyalty that belongs within the marriage covenant.
Your children need to know they are deeply loved—but they also need to know that Mom and Dad are on the same team.
