At our marriage intensives, I often liken our couples’ marriages to a water heater. Now you’re probably thinking, I don’t see the comparison. Well, let me explain. Water heaters have two heating elements…one at the bottom and one in the middle of the tank. And when both of these elements are doing what they’re supposed to be doing, the tank stays filled with nice hot water. When one of the elements burns out or short circuits, the water gets warm…but it still isn’t where it’s supposed to be. And if both elements stop working, well, you’re going to be shivering in the shower.
So I hope you made a connection. You and your spouse are each one of those heating elements. If you’re both engaged and working together, and becoming the best individuals possible, your marriage will be hot and comfortable. If one of you checks out and stops working on being the best you possible, your spouse’s efforts may keep the relationship tolerable, but nowhere near where it could be. And if both of you stop working, you’ll both be shivering and feeling alone in your marriage. This is true because no marriage will ever be stronger than the weakest spouse.
So both of you need to take on the personal responsibility of becoming the best you possible. This will not only help you grow into the person God wants you to become, it will strengthen your marriage. We just explained how it only takes one spouse to learn how to be fulfilled and happy for the marriage to be different. That process of staying engaged in your own personal growth is totally your responsibility. You can’t do it for each other. And all too often we want to blame somebody or something for the problems in our marriage. But the truth is, most of the problems in your marriage usually start with you, not your spouse or your circumstances, but you. And whenever you blame your spouse or somebody or something else, you make yourself powerless saying, “I can’t change until my spouse or that circumstance does”, and that just is not true. So you need to assume personal responsibility, your ability to respond. You and you alone are the one responsible for your thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs.
In Luke 6 Jesus said, “You are to love your enemies and to do good to those who hate you, to bless those who curse you, and to pray for those who mistreat you”. No, he wasn’t talking about spouses. He was talking about the Romans. Jesus modeled this for us on the cross. He was not controlled by the words and the actions of those who arrested him, beat him, spat upon him, mocked him, and he acted with compassion and forgiveness. In the midst of all that, he stayed the course of becoming who and what his Heavenly Father wanted him to be. So if you’re a heating element that stopped working in your marriage… own your lack of personal responsibility and the negative impact it’s having on your spouse and your marriage, and start doing what you need to do to heat things up again. If you want a better marriage, let it start with you.
90 Percent of Failing Couples Have Stopped Asking this Simple Question
