Every married couple has learned from experience that there are times to speak and times to keep quiet. It takes a lot of self-discipline to hold your tongue, especially when you’re experiencing strong feelings and emotions. So how can being silent help your marriage?
Well, first it defuses anger. Proverbs tells us that a gentle answer turns away wrath. We want to learn how to practice the art of biting our tongues in the heat of battle, especially when all you want to do is spew your opinions and feelings. Taking a time out for both of you to cool off and to stay quiet can make the difference between a major knockdown, drag out brawl and a slight bump in the road.
The second thing being silent does for us is it facilitates listening. We’ve all heard the quote “God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak.” It’s amazing how much better you can listen to each other when your mouth is closed and your ears are opened. Too often we feign listening while preparing our response for when our spouse stops talking. We haven’t heard a word our partner has shared. Nobody likes to feel that they weren’t heard or understood, we all want to be validated. So get in the habit of being quiet while your spouse shares his or her heart. Listen for the fact and the feeling, then share what you’ve heard your spouse say before you respond. You’ll be amazed at how well your response will be received.
And third, being silent can help with conflict resolution. Obviously, the diffusing of anger and the skill of listening are vital components to successful conflict resolution. Closed mouths can lead to open hearts when we truly hear what each other is saying. It helps us see the situation from our spouse’s perspective. This is called empathy, and it’s a key to major breakthroughs in your marriage. We all want to be heard and understood. So biting our tongue and opening our ears is a great way to thwart destructive conflict. So if your heart is not open, keep your mouth shut. But you know, there’s a time to speak. We need to be careful not to let the habit of holding our tongues lead to build up anger and frustration. Silence is not always golden, it can be catastrophic. Conflict can’t be successfully resolved unless both of you learn how to speak safely and listen to one another. A marriage where the husband and wife speak kindly to one another and remain silent when they’re tempted to lash out will be a marriage of lifelong love.
