We see couples every weekend at our intensives who are struggling in their marriages because both spouses don’t feel that they’re getting what they hoped for out of the relationship. At the root of their problems are all of the unconscious, unspoken and unrealistic expectations they have for each other. So let’s take a minute to look at this root problem in many marriages of unmet expectations.
What were the ones you brought into your marriage? You know those unconscious beliefs that my marriage will always be problem and pain free or my spouse will read my mind and make all of my dreams come true, or my marriage will always be filled with passion and romance. My marriage will overcome all of my childhood disappointments. My marriage will be fueled by a love that will conquer all. My spouse will never be attracted to anyone else or my spouse will always agree with and support me. I have to be honest…an old song comes to mind right now…”To dream the impossible dream”.
So how do we deal with all of these unconscious, unspoken and unrealistic expectations? First, we sit down and identify what we are or have been expecting from our spouses and from our marriage. Do this by yourself.
And when both of you have written down your list, move on to step number two, which is to set up a time to sit down together to safely share what each of your expectations are. You’ll probably be surprised at how many of them overlap, and that’s a good thing. But you want to focus on the ones that you both weren’t aware of. You know, the one where your husband would always be able to read your mind and totally understand you and the one where your wife would always be responsive. Here’s where the challenge comes into play. Talk about whether these are realistic and attainable expectations and if you decide they’re not, how do you both want to adjust them into ones that become more reachable in a healthy marriage?
We all want to respond to our spouse’s needs and wants. That means we have to ward off our natural selfish tendencies to put our needs over those of our spouse. That brings us to our third step to reaching the impossible dream. We need to pray together as a couple and ask God to give us the desire and ability to put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own. Philippians 2:3 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, treat others as more important than yourself.”
So once we bring our unconscious, unspoken and unrealistic expectations into the light and translate them into some more attainable goals, we can commit ourselves towards working to making what was once an impossible dream and attainable reality.
