Dr. John Gottman is one of America’s most prominent marriage researchers, and he spent decades studying marital relationships and what makes them thrive and what causes them to die. He has identified what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, saying that these four attitudes, when allowed to ride roughshod in our marriages, can prove to be fatal to the relationship. The most ominous of these four married marauders is contempt. Contempt is an air of superiority that causes you to feel that your spouse is beneath you. And what’s scary is that this attitude ferments into a state of mind that your spouse is worthless. And this ultimately morphs into an actual discarding of the spouse. Gottman says contempt is a kiss of death for marriages and is his best predictor of divorce.
Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying these contemptuous things?
“You’ve never been a good husband or wife or parent or lover.”
“You’re not a real man.” or “You’re not a real woman.”
“My whole marriage is one big disappointment because of you.”
“You call yourself a Christian. You’re not even close.”
“I regret marrying you. If I had really known you, I would have never married you. ”
“You have no clue how to please me.”
“You’re pathetic. You disgust me.”
“I’ve wasted most of my life being with you.”
“You’re just like your mother.” or “You’re just like your father.”
If those things have crept into our hearts and minds, how do we overcome it? Well, the first step is to get yourself right with God. Contempt is not a fruit of the spirit. In fact, it’s something that God does not like. So seek forgiveness for your selfishness and your arrogance. These are the root sins of contempt. Ask God to change your heart and to give you the ability to see the good in the one you’ve married.
Which brings us to the second thing you can do. Look for and express gratitude for the positives in your spouse. In Philippians 4:8, Paul reminds us, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable. If there is any excellence, if there’s anything worthy of praise, think about these things”. Then make it a new goal to share all these good things about your partner with him or her. Build him or her up in private and in public and watch that horrible horseman ride into the sunset.
If you’ve found you’re struggling with contempt, or other issues that are hindering your marriage? We want you to know there’s still hope for your marriage.
Here at The Marriage Hub, we offer Marriage Intensive Retreats for couples at multiple locations throughout the country including, Pennsylvania, Maryland, North Carolina, South Carolina, Arizona and Southern California.
At our couples retreats, we help couples restore the emotional, spiritual and physical connection they desire with their spouse.
If you’ve tried marriage counseling, or couples therapy sessions in the past and they weren’t successful … our program offers the unique benefit of going deeper than normal weekly or biweekly counseling programs because we’ll spend 20+ hours with you over the course of a weekend digging into the real issues you’re facing.
Click our Intensives link to learn more.
