Everything about God’s creation was good, except for one thing. Genesis 2:18 tells us that it was not good for man to be alone. That led to His creating woman from the man and bringing her to the man so that the two could become one. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. That means you and I have been created with a default setting of being connected. We’re not designed to be isolated and alone. In fact, we all crave at least one deep and lasting relationship. And many of us believe that if we get married, we’ll never be alone. That’s a false assumption and a very unrealistic expectation. Too many couples attend our intensives living together in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, interacting every day, yet they both feel totally alone. They state that they’re more like roommates than life mates.
If that sounds a little like your marriage, here are some steps to help you reconnect:
1. Make the first move. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to resolving the issue. If you’re feeling isolated, chances are your spouse is too. Take the first step towards reconnecting with them by lovingly sharing how you feel and give them an opportunity to respond and to forgive past hurts. If you’ve been feeling alone for a while, hurts have probably been piling up in your marriage. Undealt with hurt and conflict leads to further isolation and separation and loneliness.
2. If you’ve been wronged, choose to forgive your spouse, whether he or she asked for it or not. And if you have wounded your spouse, seek their forgiveness immediately.
3. Schedule and spend some time together. Busyness with life and children’s schedules encroach upon quality couple time, which leads to more distance between the two of you. The only remedy is to deliberately schedule time to be together, date nights in, date nights out, TV-free nights , an occasional weekend getaway are maybe just a few options that you can consider.
4. Make that time count. While the quantity of time together is important, what’s more important is the quality of time. You want to be intentional about creating and deepening your marital connection. When you and your spouse are together, get rid of the distractions so you can focus on each other. Ask yourself what are some fun things that you enjoy doing together? Taking a walk, riding your bikes, cooking dinner together, going out to a concert, garden or a sporting event, playing a board or card game. And while you’re enjoying those times together, let your small talk lead to significant talk.
5. Prioritize physical proximity. The key to resurrecting physical touch is to start small. Reinitiate the little things that may have slipped away, like holding hands or snuggling close or giving back, shoulder, and neck massages and surprising each other with a real kiss, not just a little peck. Getting closer physically will naturally lead to feeling closer emotionally.
6. Ask for help. If you’re really struggling with feeling alone in your marriage, you want to get some help. While many of us don’t like the stigma associated with marriage counseling, the consequences of a divorce are far more devastating. Every one of us as married couples can benefit from getting an outside perspective on our marriages.
Most of us never expect to be lonely in our marriages, and we all hope that our spouses will be that lifelong companion who save us from loneliness. The truth is, none of us can fully meet our spouses need to be connected. We’ll all fail at this at one time or another. The only one we can truly count on to never leave us, to never forsake us is Jesus.
