“You’re not listening to me”, Cathy blurted. John was preoccupied with the sports page. “I heard you”, he halfheartedly responded. “Well, what do you think we should do with Billy?” The frustration was mounting in Cathy’s voice. “Do about what?”, John asked. “See, you’re not listening. You don’t really care about me at all”, exploded Cathy.
One of the most loving and affirming gifts you can give your spouse is an attentive ear when you listen and hear not only the facts being shared, but the feeling it’s wrapped up in. You’re telling your spouse” You’re important to me”, “I value what you have to say, and I care about how you feel”. Every message has a fact side and a feeling side. Most of us men speak and hear facts first and may occasionally catch the feeling behind them. Women and our children often communicate their emotional feelings louder than the facts. This difference between husbands and wives makes listening a challenge for many couples. The skill of listening for both the factual message and the emotion behind it is called reflective listening. We need to use our eyes and ears to be great listeners. Often the most important part of the message is being transmitted non-verbally. So watch for facial expressions, body language, and listen for the tone of voice. These are all speaking louder than the words. When you demonstrate that you understand both the fact and the feeling that is being shared with you, you’ve gotten the full message. John would have been better to drop the paper, look at Cathy and say, “I’m sorry. I sense you’re frustrated about Billy. Could you please tell me that again?” Now he’s ready to listen. And Cathy would have felt loved and affirmed. You’re ministering to your spouse when you generally listen and you are showing your love and concern. And that’s fulfilling the greatest commandment to love your spouse as yourself.
