Have you ever asked yourself the question “Why do I always focus on the negative? Why can’t I see the good things that are happening in our marriage?” That’s a great question and we need to understand that if we keep dwelling on the negatives, we will eventually destroy our relationship. The key to breaking that cycle starts by changing four things in you because you can’t change your spouse.
Let’s look at the first one. Watch your tone. Many conflicts start over how something was said. A little back and forth can quickly escalate into hurtful and hostile attacks. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”. Softening your tone will take self-discipline, patience and humility. But it will help you break out of this destructive escalation pattern. Even if your spouse is wrong or is being mean spirited, you can still be the one to turn the tide of the conversation with a soft response.
Second, validate your spouse’s feelings. Hey, you don’t have to agree with what your spouse is feeling or what he or she is saying, but you do need to hear and respect what they are feeling and what they are saying. So let them know gently and kindly that you understand how they’re feeling and what their concerns are. Don’t belittle the feelings and don’t offer a solution unless they ask.
Third, believe the best…until you are proven wrong. It’s easy for us to assign how we think our spouses are feeling or what they’re thinking, or what’s motivating their behaviors and actions. The problem is we usually believe that our spouse’s feelings, thoughts and motives are more negative than they really are. So we use sarcasm to express our displeasure. Hey, let’s get in the habit of believing the best of our spouses until they prove us wrong.
Finally, we need to stay engaged. Many couples are made up of one who likes to pursue and another one who likes to withdraw. The pursuer says, “Let’s talk about this now“. While the withdrawer’s response is, “Hey, stop talking to me“. We need to try to break this pattern. If the withdrawer makes a move to leave, can we release them. Then when things have quieted down, ask when you can set aside a time to discuss the matter again. This is going to take some pressure off the withdrawer and give him or her a time to gather their thoughts and feelings. On the flip side, the withdrawers should tell the pursuer they need some time alone, but set a time to get together and talk to work out the problem. As you work at watching your tone, validating your spouse, believing the best, and staying engaged, you’re going to begin your journey towards a much happier and healthier marriage in your future.