We have had people ask us, “How do I help a friend who has confided in me that they’re struggling in their marriage? That’s a great question. And research tells us that about 75% of us are going to find ourselves in that role someday. When someone you care about shares a marital issue with you, your instinct is to make them feel better and to fix it. And in doing so, you may inadvertently offer false hope, give poor advice or take sides and widen the gap between husband and wife. You may become so involved in your friend’s issue that it becomes your problem and that’s not healthy for you or helpful for your friend. Instead, acknowledge that your perspective may be biased. You’re too close to the situation and whatever you do, if you’re not trained, don’t try to counsel both parties. So let’s talk about six things that you can do to help.
First and foremost, you must understand that you’re going to be acting as a first responder unless you’re a trained therapist, counselor, or a relationship coach. You want to be careful because you could do more harm than good. A first responder is not the final responder.
Second, listen, love and pray. These actions will give your struggling friends some encouraging emotional support. Listen and understand. Pray for them and their spouse by name.
Third, steer them away from any thought of divorce and keep them on the road to reconciliation. If they mention divorce, acknowledge their pain and encourage them that they can work through any issue with God’s help and strength.
Fourth, refer them to a Christian counselor, coach or pastor. If you’re not familiar with any in your area, do some research.
Fifth, pave the way for them to get the help they need. Offer to babysit or dog sit. Eliminate any of the logistical issues that might keep your friends from getting the help they need.
And finally, be patient. It’s probably taken years for your friends to get into this bad place, and it’s going to take some time and hard work on their part to get them through it. So stay with them. Don’t turn them over to the pros and leave them disconnected from your love, care and prayers. Keep listening, encouraging and supporting. The day will come when your friend will thank you for helping to save their marriage.
