We see couples all the time in our intensive weekends whose marriages are suffering from a fatal illness. Couple complacency is a progressive disease that leads to loneliness, bitterness and indifference. If this is left untreated, it will often lead to a slow and painful death of a marriage because it spreads so unnoticeably many couples don’t even realize the deterioration of their marriages until it’s too late. That’s why the second most vulnerable time for divorce in many marriages is when the empty nest season begins to occur.
So what’s the cure to couple’s complacency? It’s working to keep the loving actions and feelings alive in your marriage. You’re not going to feel as goo-goo eyed as you did when you first met, but that doesn’t mean love has died.. it simply means that love has changed. But what is true is that when we start doing loving things for each other, the loving feelings seem to reappear. So let’s look at a couple of ways you can fight off the negative effects of couple complacency.
First one is to make the choice to keep studying your spouse. It doesn’t take us long to think that we know all there is to know about each other when we’re married. But we need to remember, the person you married is not the same person he or she was when you met them, or even when you married them, and neither are you. So while you may think you know all there is to know, there’s probably a lot of new things to discover if you take the time and effort and the courage to explore them.
Second thing you want to do is work to bring back the magic. Think back and remember the things that you did that won the heart of your spouse in the first place. You’ve still got it in you if you dig deep enough. Think about the things you did that make your spouse’s day. Is she a words girl? Then compliment her. Did she like flowers? Then spend an extra 10 minutes and $10 to buy her a bouquet of flowers on the way home. Does he love to snuggle? Forget folding the laundry and sit down on the sofa and snuggle with him. The struggle is that many of these gestures take time and energy, and these are scarce commodities for actively parenting and working couples to find. It took time and effort to win your spouse’s heart. It’s going to take the same amount of time and energy to hold onto it.
Then finally start dating again. It’s too easy just to go out to dinner and sit there looking at your plates and not really talking about too much of anything other than funds and finances and kids. But think back to some of your first dates…What did you do? You walked together, talked together, you played, you took a ride. So why not take a ride to your favorite ice cream place playing some oldies on the radio? Bring back some of those fond memories of your dating days.
The ultimate cure for couple complacency is active intentionality. So if you’re starting to feel the symptoms of mutual co-existence, make the deliberate choice together as a couple to begin working to pursue each other so that you do not only produce a marriage that will bring you comfort and pleasure, it will also leave your children a legacy to follow.
